Money Hater

For many, playing poker does not provide enough action.  Fortunately for them, the Commerce Casino allows all kinds of ridiculous side bets at the poker table.  A common form of side betting is picking cards to come on the flop.  I have 4s.  You have 3s.  If a 3 comes, I owe you money.  If a 4 comes, you owe me money.  Simple.

I recently was playing in a $200/$400 game where two players were doing this, but they each had two numbers instead of one.  One of the participants was the fish in the game, and the other was a guy who has been a “pro” for at least 20 years.  (He’s terrible at poker and is in worlds of debt, but he is a “pro”.)  There isn’t much strategy to this side game.  That said, it should be obvious to anyone with even a remedial understanding of limit hold’em that the best cards to choose are the lower ones.  If there is a flop, that means some people are playing their hands, and their hands are most likely to contain high cards like kings and queens and aces.  If those cards are in the players’ hands, that means they cannot come on the flop.  So, the best cards to pick are 2s and 3s and 4s.  The fish chose tens and 8s.  The “pro” chose jacks and 3s.  (If it is not yet glaringly obvious why I have not had to have a job for over 4 years, the previous sentence should shed some light on it.)

Eventually another player wanted in on the action.  He is a crusty old nit who is bad for the game.  He sits out the instant the fish goes to have a cigarette or use the restroom, and he will quit the instant the fish busts.  He understandably chose 2s and 4s.

The next day we played $200/$400 again with the same fish.  This time the “pro” was not present, but the crusty old nit was.  He wanted to start up the side game again.  He looks at the fish and says, “We gonna play again today?  You pick any 3 numbers you want.  I’ll take 2, 3 and 4.”

I now object to this for a variety of reasons.  First, this guy is a nit who is clearly only doing this because he has a small edge with 2,3 and 4.  If it was one of the pros from out east who loves to play those games I wouldn’t have cared, but this guy is a jackass.   Second, he now has a clear advantage over everyone else at the table because he gets to play poker with this fish AND play the stupid numbers game with the 3 best numbers.  Third, he said “pick any 3 numbers you want” and then chose the best 3 numbers.  It was too much, and I could not have it.  So, I didn’t.

He then asked me why (he was sitting right next to me).  I told him that I’d rather not explain it right here in front of everyone, but if he would like me to I would.  He then mumbled something about how yesterday it was OK to which I curtly responded, “He gets to lose his money playing poker.”  My buddy sitting next to me then chimes in with, “You can play, just let him (the fish) have 2,3,4 and you pick any three you want.”  Surprisingly, the nit chose not to play.

When I first started playing in the bigger limit hold’em games in Los Angeles and Las Vegas I was quite intimidated. I assumed that the players in these games were going to be very tough and extremely advanced and sophisticated, and I was worried that I was going to get torn apart. I would read all kinds of strategy advice from the supposed good posters at 2+2 that wouldn’t make any sense to me, and I rarely could find anyone who shared my viewpoint. I assumed I was the one idiot in the class who just didn’t get it. It was very frustrating. Then I met someone who thought about things pretty much like I did, but he was smart enough to realize that they were the idiots, not him. I was not so bright, and it stunted my advancement.

My friend would identify for me who the good players were, for I had never played in these games before and knew no one. I recognized some people from when I used to go to Vegas and play 15/30, but I had never played with them. I quickly learned that instead of good, my friend should have identified them as “not awful”. I recall early on I saw one of these “good” players call 4 bets cold preflop with 98s. When I saw him call, I wondered if he’d call with AKo here. Not ever did I think he could have 98s. Huh? Really? I’ve seen this guy around forever, and he is doing this? Wow.

The more I played the more of these situations I was presented with; people who were supposed to be good playing super bad. We began to discuss and laugh about it, and eventually made a list. The Retard List.

To be on the Retard List, you have to be headed for busto but yet be completely oblivious and think you actually are going to prosper in this business. Fish are not eligible to be on the retard list (in spite of how retarded they may be), because they aren’t pros. They’re just people who come in to play.

The first entry is April 2, 2008. “BurritoBoy.” He is so named because a few years ago at the Bellagio my friend played my chips for me while I went to the washroom, and this guy objected. I saw him again at Commerce a month later, but my buddy didn’t think it was him. We bet a burrito on it. I won. He’s not quite bust yet, but he is currently playing less than half the stakes he did 2 years ago. The trend appears to be downward.

Busting is a slow process. Many of these players are marginal winners so they can run hot at times and stave off the inevitable, but if you’re a $45/hr winner yet live a $100/hr life it’s gonna catch up to you.

Yesterday I saw one guy get all in. I have never, ever seen him without money. But he is on the retard list, and thus he is busting at some point. They all are, and it is starting to happen.

Look at this.

I am not one to subscribe to conspiracy theories, but after watching the game between the Twins and the Yankees last night I am having a hard time believing that baseball isn’t fixed.

Officials blow calls all the time, especially when it is something subjective like a charge in basketball or pass interference/holding in football. The game happens fast and bodies are contorted and flying around. This, however, was much different. All this guy had to do was watch and see if the ball landed on one side of the line or the other, and it appeared (I am admittedly no expert on officiating) that this umpire was in the perfect position to make the call. This wasn’t a 117mph serve off the racket of Roger Federer that is gone in a poof. It was a baseball that was in the air for several seconds that everyone in the building had a pretty good idea of where it would land. It was not even close to being foul, yet the ump inexplicably called it that way. It was the equivalent of showing the guy a photo of Lassie, asking him, “Dog or cat?” and having him proudly answer, “Cat.” What the hell?

Baseball umpires rotate positions, so this guy sometimes is behind home plate calling balls and strikes. We’re supposed to believe that he can decipher whether or not a baseball traveling upwards of 90mph fits into an imaginary strike-zone box, yet he cannot even make the correct call when a thick, chalky white line is provided for him? Does baseball really view its fans as being that stupid?

It’s hard enough to give a shit about baseball when (a) there are a bazillion games, most of which don’t matter, (b) the teams with the most money can just buy the best players, creating an extremely uneven playing field and (c) the performance enhancing drugs issue was handled so poorly by baseball’s leadership. (Hey, Selig, maybe you should not only legalize PEDs for your umps but actually require PED use for all umps, for their performance could clearly use some enhancement.) Now you’re telling me that your officials are being paid off, or are merely more incompetent than common sense can fathom. Really? This is the depth that “America’s Pastime” has sunk to? No thanks.

Fuck you, baseball. Go away. It’s football season.

I was raised Catholic, so ever since I was a kid I was presented with evidence of my stupidity.

I vividly recall my 1st grade teacher (Sister Mary Hope) reading the bible story where the snake tempts Eve (Who, by the way, must have been weak as hell if a piece of fruit broke her will. I can only imagine how she’d react to being offered a Snicker bar.) with the apple and thinking, “This 127 year old woman is trying to tell me that a snake can talk. She must think I am stupid. Why would she think that? Hmmmm….Shit, maybe I actually AM stupid.”

I have since learned that being skeptical of anyone contending that snakes can talk does not make one stupid. Unfortunately, I have also learned that I am stupid for a variety of other reasons. I was reminded of one of these reasons this evening.

I needed a few things from the grocery store; tortillas for my leftover fajitas, cheese, milk, cereal and a few other things, so I drove to the store that is half a mile from my house. Near the cheese was a shelf that had a variety of salsas on it. These salsas are refrigerated. I have no idea if they need to be, but I immediately assume that this refrigeration is an indication of their superiority to other, non-refrigerated salsas. It isn’t. It’s a rouse. I know this because every 8-14 months I convince myself to buy one of these containers of fancy (in my stupid eyes) refrigerated salsa. They are always inferior to the boring non-refrigerated salsa that I buy. But, being stupid, I keep buying them.

Tonight as I perused these salsas I even said to myself , “You idiot. You know you’re going to get home and find it is bad and instead of throwing it away, you’ll toss it into the fridge where it will sit for 3 months.” I bought it anyway. I hated it. It is in my fridge.

Sister Mary Hope was right, but she has no idea why.

Poker players have big egos. They all think that they play better than everyone else, and they all think that their way is the best way. I am as guilty of this as anyone. In fact I don’t just think I play better than everyone else, I also think that everyone else is terrible. I didn’t always think this way.

I used to think that just about everyone played and understood what it meant to be a “poker pro” better than I did. Most of the people with whom I discussed poker (mostly via the 2+2 forums) advocated doing things that I thought were completely terrible, yet they spoke with the utmost confidence. I wasn’t 100% sure that the things I was doing were correct, so I would listen to just about anyone. I solicited the opinions of many different people about a variety of poker-related topics, and the vast majority of time I would disagree with what they had to say. I took this to mean that I didn’t “get it” on some level. After all, these other players do something completely different than I do. What’s more likely, all of them being wrong and me being right, or all of them being right and the one lone guy being wrong?

I have since realized that the overwhelming majority of poker pros are the ones who don’t “get it”, and have come to find great humor in it. (I suppose that it is a bit sick and twisted to take pleasure in watching the inevitable demise of people who have no idea it is coming, but there are few things I (and I suspect many others) enjoy more than watching an egomaniac fall flat on his or her face. It’s like reality TV, only real.)

Today I was talking to a friend who was playing in the $200/$400 game. As I was leaving, another player in the game invited me to stay by saying, “We’ve got a seat open here.” I gave the same sarcastic response I always give when asked to play in an extremely profitable game that is unfortunately too big for my bankroll, “No thanks. I could never beat this game.” (What most,(like this guy) don’t understand is that this game was the best game in the building. These players are simply awful. My buddy called down with Q-high on a J-high board against the preflop 4-bettor and won. The 4-bettor had Q4. My buddy had QT. $2/$4 players don’t play this bad.) After I walked away he said, “That is why I asked him to play.” The player in question has lost over $1,000,000 in the last 3 years. I did not make that number up. He has actually blown over $1,000,000. I have not lost that much. Nor have I ever been in debt. Or broke. Or even close to broke.

Before I started playing $100/$200 at Commerce I asked a lot of “knowledgable” people, including a person who currently runs a poker coaching website and charges up to $500/hour for his poker wisdom, their thoughts on how I’d fare in that game. He told me (free of charge) that I wouldn’t be a winner. His opinion turned out to be worth what I paid for it. I am actually a huge winner in that game, and even uprooted my life and moved across the country to play it. Did I mention that you can pay $500/hour for this poker wisdom? What a bargain.

Another player who for years was worshiped by the 2+2 poker community told me that my approach to the game was too simple minded, and thus as a result my success would be greatly limited. He is no longer playing poker, because “God told me He had something better for me”. Again, I am not making this up. I cannot speak for God, but I suspect that He doled out this divine wisdom after taking a look at this guy’s checking account.

The list of examples of ego run amuck is endless.

A friend of mine who has been a high stakes cash game pro for over 15 years, upon hearing that one well known tournament pro had a nickname, said to me, “His nickname should be ‘busted’, because he is always asking us to borrow money.”

Most of the people you see on TV are stone broke and playing on borrowed money. Throw a rock at a group of people who call themselves “poker professionals” and you’re sure to hit someone who is broke or close to it. Yet all these guys think that they are the best and have it all figured out. Just like I do.

Whenever I fly, I try to get an aisle seat. I like the aisle for all the reasons that other people like the aisle, but there is an additional reason that I prefer the aisle seat; the idiot factor.

The window seat provides about the same level of comfort as the aisle seat, but sitting by the window means that you may have to deal with the idiot factor. When dealing with other human beings the idiot factor is simply unavoidable, but there are ways to minimize it and sitting in the aisle seat is one of them.

At some point during the flight (my flight on Friday was 4 hours) someone is going to get up and want to get out, and the person sitting in the aisle seat is going to be inconvenienced in some fashion. They will likely have to get up, and may have to shuffle some items (laptop, work papers, etc.) or even be woken up. People getting up is part of air travel, and having to move is part of being in the aisle seat. I understand this and recognize the right of those next to me to get up whenever they damn well please. Unfortunately, my years on this planet have taught me that many people are not as enlightened.

I do not have any hard data, but there is definitely a portion of the population that does not understand the responsibilities and requisite etiquette that come with sitting in the aisle seat. They get miffed when they have to move, and may even express their miffedness with a facial expression or a sigh or other form of disapproving body language. I do not want to have to see this, for it will cause me to (correctly) loathe and wish ill upon them and theirs.

I have no interest in seeing yet more evidence of how insufferable many humans are. I see enough of that at the poker table. I would much rather give a genuine smile that says, “It’s OK. No problem. I understand what is required of me in this aisle seat and have no problem getting up to accommodate you” to the person who sheepishly asks if they can sneak by me, than to have to wish that the plane goes down in a fiery wreck just to spite the asshole who doesn’t want to stop watching the Scrubs marathon that he downloaded onto his ipod.

I see all kinds of people playing poker. I find that most people tend to “make sense” to me. By “make sense” I mean that their behaviors tend to follow certain stereotypes. For example, if I see an Asian guy ask the dealer for scrambooool and then later he asks for set up, I think, “Well, that makes sense. This guy clearly is irrational given that he asked the dealer to mix up the cards by hand before they go into the machine that is going to then mix them again. The next logical step in that psychosis is to ask for set up.” You don’t see white guys who play good asking for set ups. (I have always wanted to go somewhere no one knows me like Bay101 and play for 3-4 days. I’d play well enough that the other good players in the game would notice, and then on the 4th day I’d ask for a set up after taking a beat. I’d love to see the reaction of people.)

The other day I played with someone who didn’t make sense.

He was a white guy who was 22-26 years old. Usually guys like this either (a) play quite well or (b) are just terrible. I need to see a few hands before I can render judgement, but before he even played a hand I was presented with a strong piece of evidence; the ace of spades. On his right middle finger, he wore a gold ring with a flat face that had the ace of spades etched in it. He apparently wants me to understand that, of all the cards that he could have gotten etched onto that stupid ring, he chose the ace of spades. He’s not fooling around with the jack of hearts or the king of clubs. No sir, he prefers the best. Whatever his logic may have been it clearly was grossly flawed, for it resulted in him wearing this thing.

I planted him squarely in the (b) camp. 25 year old white kids who are actually good players (not merely good enough to eek out $35/hr beating up on the genetic mistakes that populate the Bellagio $30/$60 game) don’t wear ridiculous stuff like that. This guy had to be just terrible, and the smart money’s on him being a large to massive tilter as well.

I also noticed that this guy was a cowboy. He didn’t have a hat or chaps on, but he was wearing cowboy boots. Everyone knows that the only people who would ever be caught dead wearing cowboy boots are (a) cowboys, (b) women and (c) Mexicans. This guy was not a woman or a Mexican, so he had to be a cowboy.

I’ve got a cowboy with an ace of spades ring on. And he is wearing sunglasses. This guy is going to be just horrible and I cannot wait to watch him go on tilt and blow the $4,500 he has in front of him.

He does not win a pot for at least an hour, and blows half his money. I am waiting for the fireworks, and begin to wonder if he is going to torture me like most other awful players do. I thought for sure he was gonna blow at any minute, but he never did. He played like a big dumb spazz in a few spots with overpairs, but they were the same kind of spots that other winning players screw up. For the most part, he remained calm and collected.

He never tilted.

He never did anything that indicated he was on tilt.

He did not make sense.

A “set up” refers to the two decks of cards that are used at a poker table. One deck is in the auto-shuffler while the other deck is being used. Players are allowed to ask for a new set up during the 10 minute window between 5 before and 5 after the hour. If a player wants a set up at any other time, they usually just damage a card. These people are absolute savages.

Usually a player asks for a set up when they lose with AA or some other big hand. They typically get unlucky on the river and thus must blame the cards. As irrational as that is, it is understandable on some level. “I was winning but then on the last card I lost. I was supposed to win. I got unlucky. It must be the cards. We need new cards. Set up!!!!”

Today I saw a guy ask for a set up after the following hand….

A player raises in early position, Mr. SetUp calls in the SB, I fold the BB. The flop is QQ5 with 3 different suits. Mr. SetUp bets out, the raiser calls. The turn is a 6. He bets again, she calls again. The river is an 8. He bets again and she calls. He turns his hand over. He has KT, for king high. Nothing. He bet nothing on all 3 streets. She sees this and turns her hand over. She has AJ, for ace high. She also has nothing, but her nothing is better than his nothing. He got completely owned in this pot. He was not the victim of horrible luck, but rather was completely tortured by a better player who gave him the rope to hang himself. He was never winning, and bluffed 3 streets into a player who knew he was bluffing. He then immediately called for a set up. I was tempted to ask why he called for a set up. “Sir, I understand that you (and the many nutjobs like you who frequent the Commerce Casino) think a set up will change your luck, but you didn’t get unlucky there, you simply got wrecked. Do you think that a set up will not only change your luck, but will also make you stop being horrible at poker? I suspect it won’t.” I (thankfully) have a large dose of my mother in me, so I instead just sat there and giggled to myself.