Money Hater

I don’t like his music or his ridiculous get-ups, but there is no denying that this guy is more astute and in touch with what is real than most.

This always makes me laugh. It is a bit blurred, but the red button has “DOOM” written on it.

Recently a friend of mine was playing $300/$600 at Commerce when a situation arose that is so ridiculous that it cannot be fabricated and also provides further evidence of why I don’t need to work for a living.

A few people limp into the pot and someone raises, a professional poker player folds, the blinds call and now the first limper 3bets because he’s awful and the initial raiser caps. When the professional poker player who folded sees this 6 handed capped pot brewing he says, “Whoa, Let me have my hand back.” (Everyone else in the game was in the pot, so his cards were the only ones in the muck and thus easily identified.) My friend, being the sharp tack that he is, immediately yells “Time” and gets the action stopped. My buddy knows that this guy is fixing to do something really stupid, and wants to facilitate this stupidity in any way possible. He says to the pro, “We’ll let you take your hand back, but you’ve got to put in 15 chips instead of 12.” The pro agrees.

The hand that he presumably didn’t view to be worth $600 (since he folded it the first time he had the chance to play it) he now suddenly feels is worth $1,500 to the $1,200 of everyone else. He could have put in $600 to the $600 of everyone else not 17 seconds earlier, but opted instead for the even less desirable 1500/1200 ratio. Let’s play it for more money but for worse odds. That makes sense.

Not surprisingly, this 20+ year “professional” was later heard saying, “It’s just not as easy to get money as it used to be”, as he bemoaned his trouble in drumming up a stake.

Some of the stupidest people in the world play poker.

For many, playing poker does not provide enough action.  Fortunately for them, the Commerce Casino allows all kinds of ridiculous side bets at the poker table.  A common form of side betting is picking cards to come on the flop.  I have 4s.  You have 3s.  If a 3 comes, I owe you money.  If a 4 comes, you owe me money.  Simple.

I recently was playing in a $200/$400 game where two players were doing this, but they each had two numbers instead of one.  One of the participants was the fish in the game, and the other was a guy who has been a “pro” for at least 20 years.  (He’s terrible at poker and is in worlds of debt, but he is a “pro”.)  There isn’t much strategy to this side game.  That said, it should be obvious to anyone with even a remedial understanding of limit hold’em that the best cards to choose are the lower ones.  If there is a flop, that means some people are playing their hands, and their hands are most likely to contain high cards like kings and queens and aces.  If those cards are in the players’ hands, that means they cannot come on the flop.  So, the best cards to pick are 2s and 3s and 4s.  The fish chose tens and 8s.  The “pro” chose jacks and 3s.  (If it is not yet glaringly obvious why I have not had to have a job for over 4 years, the previous sentence should shed some light on it.)

Eventually another player wanted in on the action.  He is a crusty old nit who is bad for the game.  He sits out the instant the fish goes to have a cigarette or use the restroom, and he will quit the instant the fish busts.  He understandably chose 2s and 4s.

The next day we played $200/$400 again with the same fish.  This time the “pro” was not present, but the crusty old nit was.  He wanted to start up the side game again.  He looks at the fish and says, “We gonna play again today?  You pick any 3 numbers you want.  I’ll take 2, 3 and 4.”

I now object to this for a variety of reasons.  First, this guy is a nit who is clearly only doing this because he has a small edge with 2,3 and 4.  If it was one of the pros from out east who loves to play those games I wouldn’t have cared, but this guy is a jackass.   Second, he now has a clear advantage over everyone else at the table because he gets to play poker with this fish AND play the stupid numbers game with the 3 best numbers.  Third, he said “pick any 3 numbers you want” and then chose the best 3 numbers.  It was too much, and I could not have it.  So, I didn’t.

He then asked me why (he was sitting right next to me).  I told him that I’d rather not explain it right here in front of everyone, but if he would like me to I would.  He then mumbled something about how yesterday it was OK to which I curtly responded, “He gets to lose his money playing poker.”  My buddy sitting next to me then chimes in with, “You can play, just let him (the fish) have 2,3,4 and you pick any three you want.”  Surprisingly, the nit chose not to play.

When I first started playing in the bigger limit hold’em games in Los Angeles and Las Vegas I was quite intimidated. I assumed that the players in these games were going to be very tough and extremely advanced and sophisticated, and I was worried that I was going to get torn apart. I would read all kinds of strategy advice from the supposed good posters at 2+2 that wouldn’t make any sense to me, and I rarely could find anyone who shared my viewpoint. I assumed I was the one idiot in the class who just didn’t get it. It was very frustrating. Then I met someone who thought about things pretty much like I did, but he was smart enough to realize that they were the idiots, not him. I was not so bright, and it stunted my advancement.

My friend would identify for me who the good players were, for I had never played in these games before and knew no one. I recognized some people from when I used to go to Vegas and play 15/30, but I had never played with them. I quickly learned that instead of good, my friend should have identified them as “not awful”. I recall early on I saw one of these “good” players call 4 bets cold preflop with 98s. When I saw him call, I wondered if he’d call with AKo here. Not ever did I think he could have 98s. Huh? Really? I’ve seen this guy around forever, and he is doing this? Wow.

The more I played the more of these situations I was presented with; people who were supposed to be good playing super bad. We began to discuss and laugh about it, and eventually made a list. The Retard List.

To be on the Retard List, you have to be headed for busto but yet be completely oblivious and think you actually are going to prosper in this business. Fish are not eligible to be on the retard list (in spite of how retarded they may be), because they aren’t pros. They’re just people who come in to play.

The first entry is April 2, 2008. “BurritoBoy.” He is so named because a few years ago at the Bellagio my friend played my chips for me while I went to the washroom, and this guy objected. I saw him again at Commerce a month later, but my buddy didn’t think it was him. We bet a burrito on it. I won. He’s not quite bust yet, but he is currently playing less than half the stakes he did 2 years ago. The trend appears to be downward.

Busting is a slow process. Many of these players are marginal winners so they can run hot at times and stave off the inevitable, but if you’re a $45/hr winner yet live a $100/hr life it’s gonna catch up to you.

Yesterday I saw one guy get all in. I have never, ever seen him without money. But he is on the retard list, and thus he is busting at some point. They all are, and it is starting to happen.

Look at this.

I am not one to subscribe to conspiracy theories, but after watching the game between the Twins and the Yankees last night I am having a hard time believing that baseball isn’t fixed.

Officials blow calls all the time, especially when it is something subjective like a charge in basketball or pass interference/holding in football. The game happens fast and bodies are contorted and flying around. This, however, was much different. All this guy had to do was watch and see if the ball landed on one side of the line or the other, and it appeared (I am admittedly no expert on officiating) that this umpire was in the perfect position to make the call. This wasn’t a 117mph serve off the racket of Roger Federer that is gone in a poof. It was a baseball that was in the air for several seconds that everyone in the building had a pretty good idea of where it would land. It was not even close to being foul, yet the ump inexplicably called it that way. It was the equivalent of showing the guy a photo of Lassie, asking him, “Dog or cat?” and having him proudly answer, “Cat.” What the hell?

Baseball umpires rotate positions, so this guy sometimes is behind home plate calling balls and strikes. We’re supposed to believe that he can decipher whether or not a baseball traveling upwards of 90mph fits into an imaginary strike-zone box, yet he cannot even make the correct call when a thick, chalky white line is provided for him? Does baseball really view its fans as being that stupid?

It’s hard enough to give a shit about baseball when (a) there are a bazillion games, most of which don’t matter, (b) the teams with the most money can just buy the best players, creating an extremely uneven playing field and (c) the performance enhancing drugs issue was handled so poorly by baseball’s leadership. (Hey, Selig, maybe you should not only legalize PEDs for your umps but actually require PED use for all umps, for their performance could clearly use some enhancement.) Now you’re telling me that your officials are being paid off, or are merely more incompetent than common sense can fathom. Really? This is the depth that “America’s Pastime” has sunk to? No thanks.

Fuck you, baseball. Go away. It’s football season.